There seems to be a lot of focus on blame in here. I’m curious why that piece is important to you.

There’s a fair argument to be made that “I” statements about feelings aren’t always effective in interpersonal comm, but blame is rarely useful in getting someone else’s behavior to change. Insisting on assigning blame a.) places responsibility for your feelings on someone else, and b.) forces you into the “victim” role in the drama triangle. As a victim, you have no control over your circumstances.

You can’t control what other people do. You can only control your reaction.

I learned a heuristic from my mentor that if I feel angry, I’m doing something wrong. At first I was like, “Are you kidding me???He’s the one that xyz! It’s not my fault!” To which he asked me, “Okay. Do you want to be right or do you want to be successful?”I let go of needing to convince others I was right and proceeded to learn how to manage my own emotions.

I’ve found this way of thinking empowering and life changing.There’s a book called “Bonds That Make Us Free”, by Terry Warner that takes it a step further and posits that all interpersonal problems are a result of our own missteps and that the key to fixing them is by changing ourselves, not expecting other people to change.

To some, it’s a really radical idea. But making the mental shift from “Victim” to “Champion” can have a fundamentally beneficially on your relationships and your personal well-being.

In my experience and research, blame just doesn’t help.

Mama, writer, lover, fighter — I wear my heart on my sleeve because my pants pockets are too small. www.ajkaywriter.com

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