Thank you, Thomas. 🙏😌
I get it. I probably would’ve given the same feedback to myself a year or two ago. It’s hard to listen to someone take responsibility for someone else’s shitty behavior. It violates our sense of fairness and justice and can also be a projection of our own experiences and cause us to question our own choices. I really do get it.
I had to live that truth before I could understand it.
I have found an incredible sense of power in taking responsibility for my failures and this situation has proven no exception. It gives me an agency I was lacking.
And, the best part:
I am, indeed, seeing improvements in his behavior as my mothering of him improves! So, I’m going to keep filling my backpack with ex-shaped rocks because:
a.) I am strong enough to carry them, and
b.) It’s a means to an end — my load will be lighter in the long term for having done it as he learns to carry them himself, and
c.) If I don’t carry his rocks until he’s strong enough to take over, he’ll hand them right to my girls. That’s untenable. I’d do anything to make my girls’ load lighter.
(Forgive the sloppy analogy, but I think you get the idea.)
I can’t imagine a situation where I regret sacrificing my own comfort for the sake of improving my babies’ futures. I will do whatever the universe calls on me to do to make life better for them.
I believe that having a present, healthy, grown-up father is paramount to their success in the future. I selected him to be that for them. I have a responsibility to do what I can to help him get there.
I don’t owe this to him.
I owe it to my children. I must at least try.
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As an aside, I love the engagement on the piece. It’s an incredible gift. The topic really seems to resonate. Thank you for participating, for your offerings, and for your defense of my position.
As you know, I’m a big fan of your recent narcissism piece (among others) and a lot of what you wrote validated my choice to handle my ex this way. I kind of lost my shit over it, TBH.
Seems like we have a lot in common. 😊