I’m really happy to read your piece.
I read so much on Medium from women who relay the victimization they experience in their dating/relationships and share zero about their responsibility in their dumpster fire scenarios (ETA: no judgement about the scenarios. I’ve been a participant in several dumpter fires myself.)
Suggest as much, and the blow back is severe. You’ll get accused of victim blaming. And it’s so not about blame. It’s about learning from the past so that it doesn’t have to repeat itself.
Taking responsibility in the demise of my marriage, despite the fact that my ex cheated on me with Craigslist prostitutes (ETA: no judgement for sex workers…do your thing, sister.) for an extended period of time and gaslit the shit out of me about it, was the best thing I ever did.
Yes, he did some seriously fucked up shit … but I fucked up, too. The signs were there long before that happened and I chose to be complicit in the lies for my own agenda.
I wanted babies and I needed a dad for those babies. I needed financial security to stay home with them and I took the financial security offered, despite knowing in my heart that he didn’t meet my needs. I participated in the transaction and can hardly consider myself a victim.
It was really hard to admit to myself that I played a role in my own little Greek tragedy, but when I did it was liberating and empowering.
And that’s good. Because when I’m a victim, I have no control. When I take responsibility, I can change my future.
Thank you for the refreshing take.