I have to disagree. I know no shortage of women 20+years out from their divorces with bitterness and pain to spare, still preoccupied with their ex. They never did get over their ex because they never addressed the trauma or dysfunction that drew them to their ex in the first place. They never did the work to heal the thing that attracted them to him in the first place.

Time isn’t going to fix the problem. I want my sisters to heal.

I was drawn here from Thomas’s comment and I read your response. There’s a lot of conflation of the terms unhealthy/abusive/toxic/hurtful and they are not all the same thing.

To contend that I don’t know “abuse” because, if I did, I wouldn’t take responsibility is dangerous. It’s saying that women who have been abused are incapable of affecting change on their circumstances. That they are, they must, and they always will be their abusers victims.

To tell women that time will fix the problem, instead of examining what led them there and how they contributed, will wind them up back in another bad realtionship because they haven’t figured out what drew them there in the first place.

Taking responsibilty isn’t assigning blame. It’s going back and looking at your choices and figuring out why you made them, acknowleding that they were bad ones, and doing the work to change the impulses that helped create the situation.

“What would the woman I want to be do in that situation?” That’s a POV that helped me. Anything I did differently than that, regardless of why, is something I did wrong and need to fix next time.

It’s not victim blaming. It’s empowerment.

I know this isn’t a popular opinion, but I’ve lived it and it’s been a life-changing cognitive reframe. It’s not absolving the other party of responsibility. It’s not about him at all.

Its working toward detaching from both him, and the old you.

Mama, writer, lover, fighter — I wear my heart on my sleeve because my pants pockets are too small. www.ajkaywriter.com

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