I can’t speak to your experience….But, if my oldest daughter were to come to me crying at 2am and said to me, “Mom! The guys I like don’t like me, the nice girl! They only like “bitches”!” Here’s what I would say:

“Honey, no one owes you their attention or attraction or love. The reality is that you’re not entitled to relationships of any kind.

If you’re not attracting the kind of guy you are attracted to, you have 3 choices: 1.) Give up and date no one , 2.) Be accepting of the kind of guy you do currently attract and whomever is willing to come your way, or 3.) Work on yourself and watch the quality of man you attract increase — And that doesn’t mean morph into a “bitch”…because you don’t really want men who are attracted to drama (and bitches bring the drama. Kidding. ;)

I’m not saying that you should create a whole new you in the image of what a man wants. That’s ridiculous. What I am saying is that if there is something you want, be it a healthy relationship, a promotion, to make more money on Medium, or to break the cycle of abuse so you don’t wrap it up in a box and hand it to your daughter, and that thing is important enough to you, you’ve got to be willing to do the work to get there.

How? Read books about relationships. Learn your attachment style. Be honest with yourself about your wants and needs. Think about what you find attractive in a partner and engage in introspection…do you live up to your own standards? Be a better version of yourself. No one is going to hand anything to you. It’s not the guy’s fault. It’s not the “bitches” fault. This one’s on you.”

Honestly, the story doesn’t appear to be about you dating the wrong men (which is would acknowledge that the responsibilty is on you). It’s about the men being attracted to the ‘wrong’ qualities (which you can label “bad” and allows you to accept no responsibility), labeling the other women as “bitches” (which you can also label ’bad’ and allows you to accept no reponsibility) and you being their victim.

I don’t want you to be a victim. It doesn’t sound like you want to be a victim. So don’t be one. Do the work. You clearly can. Your readers have seen it. You got this.

And then you won’t have to default to calling other women “bitches”.

Mama, writer, lover, fighter — I wear my heart on my sleeve because my pants pockets are too small. www.ajkaywriter.com

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