I agree. It’s hopeful and aspirational. And there’s a reason people struggle.

I think most people would say that the onus lies on the person who chooses to be monogamous to honor that commitment, come hell or high water. They are the ones who have to do the work to suppress their desires for others and stand firm in their commitment to their partner. And that’s true.

I would also argue that there is equal onus on the receiving partner to strive to be as attractive as possible and worthy of their partner’s monogamy. There’s a assumption that, once the commitment is made, we deserve to be loved and honored unconditionally, regardless of our behavior or choices. And thats bullshit and, IMHO, where a lot of relationships fall apart.

It doesn’t mean we don’t have flaws and that we don’t hit road blocks. It means that we are motivated and actively choose to be better and do better because we want to be worthy of our partner and to nurture the attraction that they have committed to us. There is a burden of performance.

That’s why ‘they’ say that relationships require work. They ain’t lying.

In truly voluntary monogamy, both partners are working — hard — to stay attractive and desirable and foster intimacy with the other. They don’t hit a “finish line” and become entitled to their partner’s attraction. They know they need to keep striving and they are driven to do so because they value that attraction and that monogamy.

And that’s rare thing.

Many people will choose comfortable performance and expect exceptional payoff.

That’s not how the world works.

Mama, writer, lover, fighter — I wear my heart on my sleeve because my pants pockets are too small. www.ajkaywriter.com

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