Here’s how I look at it:
Closure isnt about him. Its about you. And it’s gotta come from thinking, not feeling.
Our feelings betray the shit out of us.
That obsessive desire to go back to a relationship that didn’t work and have questions answered by a person who wasnt right for us is usually futile. Because the answers aren’t about him. They’re about us. We’ve gotta figure out what it is about us that is drawn to him. It’s usually driven by some sort of trauma and it requires resolution to get rid of it. That requires our thinking brain.
Our feelings want us to go back…not our thoughts. Our thoughts are smarter than that and they have work to do.
There is no “closure” without thinking through why you were so drawn to him in the first place…and why you keep going back.
For example, thanks to mulling over my most recent relationship failure, I’m aware that my feelings were obsessively drawn to my ex because he represented for me my unresolved traumatic relationship with my parents.
My choices are to:
1. Take a minute to get that emotional closure (I.e. shut those feelings down) by working on healing my wound so that I can have a healthy relationship in the future,
2. Succumb to the same feelings that initially betrayed me by reactivating my dating apps to play the whole thing out all over again, just with a different man.
My feelings are bitches.
I choose (1.) So until I have that “closure”, this girl is going to stay single and sufficient, even when my feelings are trying to manipulate me into making some really bad choices that make me feel (at least temporarily) really good.
Their decision-making authority in my brain has been revoked.