Goddamn. That’s pretty fucking harsh.

What truth are we unearthing here, aside from, “You think your dick is a gift. I promise it’s not.” -Bo Burnham?

I can’t figure out what the point of this article is, other than the underlayment of that quote…and that just seems shitty.

There are legit reasons to dig deeper into the root cause of all the lady sex sounds. But in a “what-can-they-teach-us-that-leads-to-a-better-understanding-of-ourselves?” kind of way. Or how about a “what-info-does-this-give-us-that-leads-to-better-sex?” kind of way. This feels like, “Every woman who is loud during sex is a fucking liar who bows to the patriarchy. Oh, and BTW, dudes: you’re shitty lovers if she screams”…to paraphrase. It just doesn’t seem very productive. It seems downright disparaging — and to what end?

Is there room for women in this paradigm who do vocalize significantly during sex? Is there room for women who do orgasm from penetration? Or for couples who have found that lots of vocal exertion is exciting and satisfying?

Anecdotally, I can speak to a few points in your article: I am, indeed, quiet when I masturbate. I’m quiet, not because that’s my “natural” state, but because I suppress myself, not wanting my instinctive moans of pleasure to wake my sleeping family. So I shut the fuck up. However, when I’m in bed (or on the kitchen counter…or bent over the bathroom sink) with a lover, being vocally free — which sometimes means being fucking loud — is liberating and primal. Maybe that’s why this article hit home for me. I don’t see a place in this paradigm for women who do find enthusiastic vocalizations to be an important part of their love-making and the scorn heaped on their lovers, to boot, seems unnecessary.

Now, for a few alternative thought trains to hop on if the topic of the lady squeals interest you:

1.) Here is a bit of data that adds some empirical counter to the self-reports of “I’m just moaning so that he’ll hurry up and get it over with.”

2.) As many of you fellow yogis know, there is a neuromuscular connection between our breath and our pelvises: the throat chakra and the root chakra, that are understood to be interdependent. Keeping that idea in mind, it doesn’t seem like much of a stretch to assert that the sounds made during sex can be authentic and enthusiastic given their connection to the pelvic floor.

3.) Sex at Dawn is an excellent book that tackles the confounding topic of female copulatory vocalization with some compelling research. (Spoiler: there may be an evolutionary biology component for being a little slutty slut (no shame) who screams her brains out mid-coitus).

I’m not saying that every woman who dramatically vocalizes during sex is doing it purely as an authentic “a one-woman show that makes it sound like she’s undergoing an epic erotic larval transformation on par with being sexually reborn all because she came into contact with a dick.” (Although, I do sometimes genuinely feel this way. “Epic erotic larval transformation” and “sexually reborn”???…fuck yes. That happens.) But, why can’t there be some theatrics involved, if they are indeed “theatrics”? Sex can be a dramatic experience. There are lots of subsets of kink that rely heavily on “scenes”. Sex can legitimately be theatre. Let’s leave some room for the women who are loud, whose partners do enjoy vocal expression, and who don’t feel like inhibiting themselves for the sake of not “seeming fake”?

I am not arguing that the genesis of the vocal exclamation points that seem to be popular with both men and women are entirely independent of a social construct. But, let’s remember that such social constructs exist in spades in our everyday lives. They can and do play a role in much of our sexual pleasure, both enhancing and inhibiting it. So do us orgasmically operatic individuals and our admirers forego that which brings us pleasure in the interest of not bowing to the construct? “Sorry baby…I’m going to cum silently from now on because if you got the idea that I enjoy sex with you, it would surely be a blow to social justice.”

I suggest that we aim for being genuinely sex-positive, and not only when that sex meets someone else’s definition of “authentic.”

Here’s my bottom line: How about we allow for a range of behavior that we can consider ‘normal’ and let women do what works best for them without judging? If we simply can’t help ourselves and feel compelled to write an article about how some component of sex is wrong or misinterpreted or invalid, let’s at least consider what we can do with that information. Lets ponder how the existence of that judgment makes our sex lives better, instead of using the judgement as a club to batter our sex partners with.

And, gentlemen — from me to you — if your lady keeps coming back consensually and enthusiastically for more sex, be she loud as the rolling sea or quiet as a church mouse, it sounds to me like you are that good at fucking. Keep it up.

Mama, writer, lover, fighter — I wear my heart on my sleeve because my pants pockets are too small. www.ajkaywriter.com

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